When flirting turns into risky business

CASUAL FLIRTING can lead to much more if strong emotions come into play. -- Silvia Pecota, SUN files

You don't have to take your clothes off to commit adultery.

So says leading adultery expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. "The greatest betrayals to a relationship can happen without any touching. Most people mistakenly believe infidelity isn't infidelity unless there's sex involved."

Eaker Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, calls it an "affair of the heart," when the heart and mind are involved, and everything is shared but sex. Eaker Weil sees it as "emotional infidelity" and it can actually be more dangerous and destructive to a marriage than a strictly sexual affair.

"Most married people do not leave their partner for someone they're just having good sex with, but affairs of the heart will drive them to leave," says Eaker Weil. "The emotional entanglement is much more powerful than the physical one. You can always stop the sex, but you can't stop the emotions."

Experts agree it can start innocently enough: Daily flirt fests at the water cooler, lunch at the local diner, drinks with a group of colleagues after work -- but soon platonic friendships turn into risky business as intimate information, once the exclusive territory of the spouse, gets shared with that cute colleague.

'Intense camaraderie'

"There's intense camaraderie, a connection. You spend at least eight hours a day together, share similar goals, pressures and deadlines, and feel this person understands you," she says. "Emotional lovers see one another only at their best. How can a spouse compete with that?"

According to Eaker Weil, involved participants rationalize that it's a platonic bond because they're not having sex, but by withholding intimacy from the spouse and sharing it with another, the emotionally-attached duo form an intense connection that drives a wedge between spouses, adds Eaker Weil, also author of Makeup, Don't Breakup.

"It's never innocent when you give more time, energy and attention to someone other than your spouse," she says.

CASUAL FLIRTING can lead to much more if strong emotions come into play. -- Silvia Pecota, SUN files

Therapist Heather McKechnie agrees. "They become dangerous because people start to depend on the emotional support from someone other than their partner, which can erode the marital relationship," says the registered marriage and family therapist.

'A listening ear'

"They can fool themselves all they want but friends don't have deep conversations about not making love," adds Eaker Weil.

Experts agree this type of infidelity is becoming more and more common. Troublesome triangles that develop first as a friendship flourish in the workplace today as increased opportunities for wandering eyes lead to wandering hands.

Dr. Eileen Alexander says, "Colleagues are appealing or we feel more connected for a variety of reasons, but usually because of similarities -- in tasks, location, job interests -- or even because both persons have the same complaints/gripes about the boss, job, co-workers, spouses, in-laws, financial problems etc.

"Having a listening ear, in a colleague with whom we are spending six, eight or more hours a day, sometimes in very close quarters seems so natural. In many instances, we are spending more time with others than with our loved ones," adds Alexander.

Most sexual liaisons originate as peer relationships: "People ... unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the unfaithful partners I've treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, 'just a friend,' " says Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not Just Friends, Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal The Trauma Of Betrayal.

According to Glass, in a love affair, the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let in the affair partner. "Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray are not only betraying their partners but also their own beliefs and moral values, provoking inner crises as well as marital ones," writes Glass.

Safeguard your special relationship with your primary partner by dating regularly, advises Dr. Eileen Alexander, in order "to have some time to feel special to and for one another, to talk, re-acquaint yourselves with one another, get away from the house, kids -- even for a bit -- and look for what is similar and pleasant."

Something's brewing

If you find yourself saying... "but we're just friends," then beware. There could be a lot more brewing than the coffee you're sharing at lunch. Experts agree we're all susceptible to emotional infidelity.

"All relationships have highs and lows and it is often when a person feels that they are in a low period that they begin to seek support outside of the relationship,' says McKechnie.

"If someone feels drawn to a colleague, then they should take a moment to ask themselves, why? What is it about this person that attracts their attention and what is it that is missing in their marriage?" she says, adding that it is natural to be drawn to someone other than your partner at different times in your life but acting out that attraction can lead to murky waters.

"Sex is not the primary factor for most affairs ... Most people get involved with emotional affairs because they feel something is lacking in their current relationship that they need. It could be respect, recognition, being listened to, love, attention," she says. "More often, it is being made to feel special."

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil states, "women want attention and admiration; men want someone who listens to them, doesn't criticize them and makes them feel 10 feet tall," and affairs provide all of that and more.

Eaker Weil says despite the heartbreak that comes with infidelity, couples can rebuild shattered marital bonds. "Recovery from adultery is possible," she says. By confronting issues that led to the affair, couples can "learn valuable lessons and build a healthier, more intimate relationship than before. Remember that by getting rid of the person, you don't get rid of the problem."

CASUAL FLIRTING can lead to much more if strong emotions come into play. -- Silvia Pecota, SUN files

More than friends?

Take this quiz to find out. Quiz devised by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author and infidelity expert from New York. Answer yes or no to the following questions:

Are you hiding details of your special friendship from your partner?

Do you mind having your spouse come along when you're with your friend?

Has your friend become your confidante, instead of your spouse?

Do you complain to your friend about your spouse and share intimacies?

Do you miss your friend when you're not together?

Is the time you spend with your friend more fulfilling and fun than that spent with your spouse?

Are you giving your friend more time, attention and energy than your spouse?

Is there sexual tension present when the two of you are together?

Would it be distressing to have your spouse share the same degree of intimacy with a friend?

Would it upset your spouse to see you and your friend interact?

SCORING: If you answered no to three questions or under, you're just friends. If you answered yes to 4-10, you're definitely more than "just friends."

Love precautions

CASUAL FLIRTING can lead to much more if strong emotions come into play. -- Silvia Pecota, SUN files

Affair-proof your marriage. "Meeting encourages cheating," says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

Don't spend time alone with the platonic friend/potential lover because things are more likely to get out of hand -- and get sexual. Do not go for lunch or for after-work drinks with this friend and make sure your spouse joins you for evening business functions, as well as out-of-town conventions and business trips.

When going to a function, intervention may be necessary -- protect your turf from this special friend. "Don't attack the flirt, but instead attack your man -- with kindness. Go over to him, bring him a drink, take his hand or put your arms around him and look up at him lovingly.

"Hey, don't give him away. You have to always remember that others want what you have, so you have to preserve it," she says. "Set clear boundaries and send the competition a strong message."

Meanwhile, if you feel yourself falling and want to deter infidelity -- "try to imagine this person 10 years older and 20 pounds heavier. Make a list of all their annoying habits and study it three times a day. Then make a list of all your mate's positive traits, and study it three times a day," says Eaker Weil. "Rest assured, all those things you find cute now, will be warts later."

And, most importantly, she says, ask for and encourage your partner to provide the things you feel are missing in your relationship that you're attempting to seek elsewhere, and then you won't be so tempted to stray. And do the same for your partner.

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